The local universities held their White Coat Ceremonies over the last two weeks, and I (fresh out of my 40 day insta-fast) scrolled through many pictures of my seniors in their new white coats. I was filled with a mixture of envy, excitement, and fear. I admired them for having survived JC and A levels, attaining what must have been excellent grades, and now being able to start their Medicine journey. The prospect of wearing my own white coat is thrilling, but at the same time, the fear that I won’t make it there is so so real. Every day I go to school and (try my best to) stay awake in class and pay full attention and take down notes meticulously and complete my homework to the best of my ability and study and study and study, but eventually, whatever fuel I’m running on burns out. The feelings of never matching up to my smarter schoolmates, of never being able to tick off everything on my study plan, are immensely frustrating. Coffee-fuelled late nights can only bring me so far.
Even during the past week as I felt myself burning out, I received verses from God – reminders of his constant presence. I read somewhere before that we don’t need God to give us new promises, we simply need to remember the promises He gave us before. Trusting God takes a lot of faith in his future grace. Even if He has been so faithful thus far, I, as a tiny ungrateful human, forget far too easily. I have forgotten how when I felt this same despair during CTs prep, I eventually just gave it to God, and how He really took the wheel and steered me through. “Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfil His promises to her.” Not only does God make these promises to us, He never forgets them and carries us through till the very end. Nothing He says to us is a mistake, because He is a perfect God who sees all our flaws and can turn them into victories.
I really love this song On and On by Housefires. It tells of how no matter where we may run – the highest mountain or the deepest darkest valley – God finds us there, because His love goes on and on and on. Even when we turn away from God, He chooses to pursue us. His love holds on and won’t let go, His love never leaves us on our own.
Even as I slog away at my endless tutorials and notes, God is right here with me. There is no need to fear, because if this is God’s plan, nothing that I do can make it happen any more surely, and if it is not, then nothing I can do will make it happen. It is really easy to trust this all up in my head, but as this week’s guest pastor shared, we can’t just have cerebral worship (obeying God in our heads and not living out our knowledge). I’ll try harder (!!) to be less stressed and to be more joyful in my work, knowing full well that God is God over all.
“And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Philippians 1:6