It has just been ONE week of school and I am already returning home each day completely exhausted and ready to roll into bed. The words that come most easily to me are I’m tired, and I say them almost robotically whenever I have nothing else to say. I think it’s insane how draining social interaction has become for me, considering how this time last year I would have had to lead cheers and be enthusiastically engaging lil year 1s in conversations. It’s not always bad though – when I’m talking to a friend one-on-one, or when I’m with a group of familiar people who I am (truly) comfortable with, I really savour the time we have together. Like my MRT rides with my primary school friends, the talk with my dance batch mates during auditions, and all the Whatsapp conversations with friends I see everyday and those I haven’t seen in a while. I love friends who I can have conversations with without having to worry about anything, without having to hide anything and without having to fear that they’ll judge me. I love just being able to tell them about the significant and insignificant, knowing they will actually care about my life and be interested in the conversation regardless of the content.These conversations rejuvenate me rather than add to my stress, and make me feel like a friend rather than just-another-person-I-can-use (lol I’m so angsty). When lessons start proper, I’m going to have to make new friends and hopefully they will be the dependable sort who won’t be part of my worries! screams a little
I’ve tried to be more mindful about what I’m doing and I think it has helped in some ways. The Miracle Morning routine has been an amazing way to start the day thus far. I have to get up at least 30 minutes earlier, but once I brush my teeth and wash my face, I’m wide awake to focus on TMM. I play my instrumental ambient music and do this:
- Silent time (pray)
- Affirmations (read a list of affirmations about myself – sounds highly egoistic but it reminds me of the positive when I am often dragged down by the negative)
- Visualisation (play out the rest of the day in your head, helps me to prep myself mentally and think about how everything will turn out fine)
- Exercise (do a few leg lifts and stretches just to complete the acronym)
- Read (read my Bible + devotions book)
- Scribe (write the daily verse + my thoughts on it – I hope to end up with 365 pages of beautiful scripture when I am done)
It’s honestly so easy to start the day frazzled and anxious, but when I listen to the calming music and pray and read the Word, I allow my heart to settle down and block out the noise of the world. It gives me time to reflect on what I’ve been doing right and wrong and most importantly gives me the opportunity to correct my wrongs. In this week alone, TMM has made me realise how 1. my response to A Certain Situation was highly un-Christlike and 2. how worrying about my future CCA was really a waste of time because *surprise* God has a plan for me and it will work out no matter what CCA I join. God’s perception of time is so different from ours, it’s like us being burdened by a tiny speck in a magnificent masterpiece. I won’t deny that I still worry a lot, but I would say TMM still makes me a little more trusting and a little less worried, so it’s still a worthy habit!
On the other hand, being mindful means I am Acutely Aware of my life goals + my action plan, which is entirely contradictory to what I know I am supposed to live out, i.e. trusting in God’s plan for my life. Seriously I struggle with this everyday, not knowing which line is the point at which I need to let go and let God. Some days I wish our world weren’t so competitive and education could be innocent and fun and purely educational. I tell myself JC is probably the last time I can have fun and do things as a student that I won’t be able to do in the future, but on the flip side if I just have fun then what about my bigger goal? Y I K E S . I want to do so many things but there is never enough time for everything and not knowing how to find the perfect balance really tortures me. For this reason I over-plan and overthink and this is so lethal and school hasn’t even really started yet! (If I could make the letters in this sentence grow progressively bigger to emphasise the increasing anxiousness I feel, I would.) BIG SIGH.
I love spending time with children and elderly because they teach me how happiness doesn’t have to be complicated. Watching the little boy get up to dance along to the worship song (alone, mind you, all the other children just sat and played with the toys), and seeing the elderly’s faces light up as they sang and clapped along, are such precious reminders of how simple our emotions of joy were meant to be. I wonder how long it will be till the time when I don’t have a care in the world and a song could bring me complete bliss.
Because I have been so tired recently, I have just been reading ferociously to escape from reality (triggered: memories of Literature and the characters in The Glass Menagerie escaping from their tragic lives). But the books I have been reading are barely an escape because their plot developments and endings always leave me more confused about how to carry on with my life. (Am highly tempted to use the word sh00k HAH). I feel I haven’t made time to read a book properly in the last 4 years, so returning to fiction for fun is really refreshing and I hope I continue to read actively in the next 2 years!
Honestly, like all my other posts, I have no idea where this one is going… I guess I just felt like surviving the first week of JC was something to shout about and also felt like putting all my reflective/nonsense thoughts into proper sentences. I cannot believe it’s going to be Chinese New Year so soon but I’m So. Excited. at the prospect of not having to go to school for a week!!! Jiayouzzz to you and to me for the next week of life, try to make the most of it!
“If you get tired, learn to rest, not to quit.”