The past two weeks have been bittersweet in a very confusing way. Graduation draws ever closer but I still don’t feel that sentimental yet. It just feels like everything is slowing down, and the lack of things I need/want to do makes me feel lethargic. I’ve been going out very frequently with my friends (money fly away really I need to quit spending so much on food) and those days were genuinely happy days because every friend is so different and spending time with them one on one makes me feel very blessed to have them in my life. But then there are other moments where I am uncomfortable with the fact that I am settling into this new normal without my grandma. When I go running at the stadium all I picture is her walking along the track, or doing her morning exercise with the other aunties there. I think about which aunties were her friends. I see a grandma walking down the RIPAC steps; I see a grandpa bringing his grandkids home on the MRT and I just think and think and overthink. Life is pretty different because we don’t have to constantly rush home and we don’t have to consider where/what we can eat, and this different normal makes me want to reject it and crawl back to the yes, maybe more difficult, but the normal which contained my grandma. Didn’t mean for this to be so whiny but I’ve been thinking about it a lot and couldn’t find anyone to burden with my thoughts so here they shall go.
On to happier things! I’ve been stuffing myself way too much lately sigh @FAM !!! Really doesn’t help that I haven’t danced in half a year lol feeling hella blobby but also I love food too much to stop myself from eating sweet things all day every day.
Do you see what I mean by eating too much … omg legit can’t wait for internship to start so I stop. eating. like. a. pig!!! I’ve been watching the K2 and Doctors and it’s so weird that Doctors is inspiring me to study and become a doctor HAHAHA maybe I can mention that in my interviews? Some creative ways of learning about the profession lmao. Gonna try to find a balance between studying and playing, before JC hits and I go crazy again 🙂
Also feel a little inclined to get back into my YouTube channel because wtheck I have 600+ subscribers when I don’t even post anything nowadays. Plus I really enjoy editing videos, it’s just the filming that’s kinda troublesome. I think I will give up (since I haven’t been posting anyway) on my baking account … Idk it’s kind of stressful to have to keep baking and taking nice photos just to get more followers and likes, and I don’t want to post something if it doesn’t actually taste that great because then I just feel extremely fake. I feel as though I try to maintain all these channels to categorise different parts of my life, but then they just become overly public personas and become more of a burden than something for myself to enjoy. Also it’s not cool to just try very hard and be just average!! It feels like everyone around me has something that they are VVVV good at while I’m just trying to do so many things and not really being outstanding in anything at all.
At the same time I’m glad I now have a stronger relationship with God through my quiet time and altar calls etc. I think I am starting to understand his messages to me, and that is so exciting!!
Aren’t Psalmists the best writers ever?