Ashley and I just drafted our final farewell message to Richard (for House season closing ceremony next Tuesday) and I’m really so thankful for all the House has given me, for being the thing that makes saying good bye so hard. Very honestly, as a Year 1, House wasn’t that big a part of my life but somehow I ended up in House Comm in Y2 and that’s one of the best decisions RG has made on my behalf (haha). On days where I felt like giving up on so many things, it was being in charge of this House that stopped me from letting go, because then who would take care of everything? Really eternally grateful for every single friendship forged in House, like today as I was walking out of school this Y2 who I met through DramaFest last year very cheerily called out to me (I was looking at my phone so it wasn’t even like we were looking at each other) and said HI YING HUI! And it was such a small thing but it truly made my day.
I feel in this school it’s so easy to feel small and insignificant because it’s almost like everybody is somebody, and even if you’re considered somebody (like I guess I am), you can feel like you’re nobody. Does that make sense? I’m not sure how I got through four years of this but I think I muddled my way through Years 1 and 2 and by the time I got to Year 3 I was kind of tired but it was like I’d come too far to just give up then. And now in Year 4 I’m really questioning my source of motivation (which I realised, I have none. oh my goodness.) and blundering through somewhat absentmindedly but at the same time trying very very hard to get a grip on things.
On motivation, I really don’t know GAH it’s like I know I’m working for a nebulous larger success. Which I guess is landing a place in a good University and then getting a good career…? But I’ve been pondering life and it seems to me like I’m studying like crazy now, so I can get into a good class in JC and continue studying, and then get into a good Uni and study even harder (if that’s even physically mentally emotionally possible) and then become a doctor and officially have no life. Future seems rather bleak to me ha ha ha nervous laughter. I know there will be tons of fun in between, during holidays and on other random good days or good moments, but I still feel like there’s something that I’m not doing/seeing that would make life a lot more meaningful. On darker days I wish I had something more concrete to hold on to that would spur me on. And this sounds terrible because I know that I have God, and all His promises for me. I just wish I knew more of His plan so I would have a better idea of the (hopefully) brighter days ahead! But faith is believing in what you can’t see, and trusting in God, so I will cling on to the cross for dear life and trust that God will pull me through, just as He has every time before. He works in the most unexpected and best ways really, but sometimes I just wish He’d be here for me to hug (lol now I really sound delusional).
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.
We’ve started a prayer group in school and, apart from House, it’s probably the best thing that has happened this year, I just wish we started it sooner! It’s really amazing to have a group to talk to in the mornings, to remind each other of our Father’s love. We share learning points from the sermons from our individual churches on Mondays, and on Fridays we do Joy Junk Jesus, which is basically sharing one joy, one not so good thing and how we found Jesus through the week. It’s amazing to see who God is working in everyone’s lives all the time and how we all face similar struggles. It’s also been a place where I’ve had the truest conversations in my four years here, because more often than not we just talk mindlessly, or complain, or worry. It’s great to have friends to remind you to focus on God and on the Truth.
Okie my time is running out because I gotta start doing Math lolzies but this has been a good brain dump after a lot of thinking over the past weeks! (through my intermittent headaches) Everything is really coming super fast and kind of slipping out of my grasp but I know God is holding me through all the stormy waves and that if I’m strong in Him and remember all the Truths, there’s nothing that can cause me to stumble! @whoever is reading this, you press on too! ❤
God speaks to me mostly through songs, so here’s a song that touched my heart today:
You steady me
Slow and sweet, we sway
Take the lead and I will follow
Finally ready now
To close my eyes and just believe
That You won’t lead me
Where You don’t go
When my faith gets tired
And my hope seems lost
You spin me round and round
And remind me of that song
The one You wrote for me
And we dance
And I’ve been told
To pick up my sword
And fight for love
Little did I know
That Love had won for me
Here in Your arms